[She won't ask him anything too personal, out of respect for him. That's a rare thing. Rarer than he might suspect; there's only one person in her life who gets that respect, and she loves him with all her heart. Alucard gets it both because he's her teacher and her sire; she won't be so foolish as to be nasty to him.]
Were you ever once afraid? Either of-- of reaction, or what might happen from some enthusiastic hunter or self-loathing vampire?
[ he says it immediately. he's not afraid to answer her question: it's easier than he thought she might ask, in any case, and that makes him more amenable to it. ]
There was a time where I was frightened, when I was young and not used to my powers or skills. Like a fawn on shaking legs trying to piece together a living. A hunter could have ended me, then. As I grew older, I became fiercer, less frightened, too proud. My hubris got me staked, captured.
[ a beat. ]
Forty years ago, I was afraid. I faced a twelve year old girl and I was frightened that she would send me back to the hole I came from. But she didn't. So I was lucky.
[It helps, hearing that. It doesn't make her any less resentful of her own fear, but it at least assures her she isn't a fool for feeling such things. If he feels it, even so recently, surely she isn't completely hopeless.]
Tell me what it was like when you were young.
[Soft. An entreaty, not a haughty demand, because for the first time in a very long time, she's so very much out of her depth.]
[ if the fear ever leaves entirely, that means something is wrong. when hubris takes over for sense. it's good she can feel fear much as it's good that sometimes, so can he. ]
The world was a savage place. When I was first turned I spelled out my revenge by killing as many Turks as possible. I was young, and angry, and wanted to kill anyone that had wronged me. No one knew how to combat me, then. I was free to do as I pleased, but the thought was still there: what if someone knows how, what if someone finds out, what if I'm killed before I finish my work.
It was... harrowing in a way, despite my newfound strength.
No, because that's what I am instead now. Usually. Most of the vampires here are fine, though I've my eye on a few as potential problems.
[ a beat. ]
I can't die, anymore. It's impossible. You know of Schrodinger's cat, naturally? Well, I ate him. Kill me, I'll die, but as soon as I'm unobserved, back I come.
[ he sighs, rubbing his temples. ]
All the same, I still worry I'll somehow die before Integra.
[She nods faintly, her eyes darting down for just a few seconds.]
I was Schrodinger's cat before all this. I was dead and alive, eternally, perpetually. That's what Robert is. There's no way to hurt him, tame him-- tame us or so I thought.
[A few seconds pass, and she hesitates visibly-- and then, uncertain, shifts over just slightly, closer to him.]
It's terrifying. I thought . . . I thought being this would be a guarantee, but instead, here I am, minding my manners more than I ever did as a human, terrified some self-righteous prick will try and stake me. I hate--
When you leave this place, won't it be returned to you? They took that aspect from me, as well. I'm no longer... omnipresent, like I was before. I can only hope it returns when I leave this place.
[ he nods slightly, at her admittance. ]
You are sturdier than you could have thought, like this, but there are still dangers. It will be all the more difficult to end you though, as long as you stay fed. It's...
[ a frown. ]
A delicate balance to learn. You'll be able to come into yourself again once you're more settled and know your limits.
[She shrugs. Truthfully, she has no idea if she can be returned to that state. It's part of why she was so desperate to become a vampire: because she doesn't know, and she wants some kind of guarantee. But the rest of it . . . she nods. What he says isn't precisely comforting, but it is honest, and she appreciates that over a comforting lie.]
Speaking of which . . . I'd, ah, I'd like to practice with you more. I'm still nervous to try sleeping with anyone beyond a vampire or a werewolf, lest I harm them.
[ but she knows that already, with his behavior in the fort. it's just... on a smaller scale, when it's just the one thing.
he's no good at comfort, so it's a good thing she's not against what he's said. ]
I'm not opposed. [ he looks at her, head canting aside. ] Over time you'll learn to control your strength better as well, and it will be less of a worry. Until then, practice makes perfect.
[ a beat. ]
Are there werewolves here? They're extinct, where I'm from.
[ the captain had been the last, and seras had killed him. ]
At least one. Actually, I discovered that when I was still human; he wasn't very good at hiding what he was. Large. Snappish. Not mean, necessarily, if not a little caught up in himself.
I haven't seen him transformed. He's large as a man; I can't imagine how enormous he'll be as a wolf.
[She says all this just a little too quickly, a tense sort of report. It's easier to talk about Derek than about his loss, about her fear.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Were you ever once afraid? Either of-- of reaction, or what might happen from some enthusiastic hunter or self-loathing vampire?
no subject
[ he says it immediately. he's not afraid to answer her question: it's easier than he thought she might ask, in any case, and that makes him more amenable to it. ]
There was a time where I was frightened, when I was young and not used to my powers or skills. Like a fawn on shaking legs trying to piece together a living. A hunter could have ended me, then. As I grew older, I became fiercer, less frightened, too proud. My hubris got me staked, captured.
[ a beat. ]
Forty years ago, I was afraid. I faced a twelve year old girl and I was frightened that she would send me back to the hole I came from. But she didn't. So I was lucky.
no subject
Tell me what it was like when you were young.
[Soft. An entreaty, not a haughty demand, because for the first time in a very long time, she's so very much out of her depth.]
no subject
The world was a savage place. When I was first turned I spelled out my revenge by killing as many Turks as possible. I was young, and angry, and wanted to kill anyone that had wronged me. No one knew how to combat me, then. I was free to do as I pleased, but the thought was still there: what if someone knows how, what if someone finds out, what if I'm killed before I finish my work.
It was... harrowing in a way, despite my newfound strength.
no subject
And now? Are you afraid at all that you might be killed by some over-zealous, self-loathing vampire?
no subject
[ a beat. ]
I can't die, anymore. It's impossible. You know of Schrodinger's cat, naturally? Well, I ate him. Kill me, I'll die, but as soon as I'm unobserved, back I come.
[ he sighs, rubbing his temples. ]
All the same, I still worry I'll somehow die before Integra.
no subject
I was Schrodinger's cat before all this. I was dead and alive, eternally, perpetually. That's what Robert is. There's no way to hurt him, tame him-- tame us or so I thought.
[A few seconds pass, and she hesitates visibly-- and then, uncertain, shifts over just slightly, closer to him.]
It's terrifying. I thought . . . I thought being this would be a guarantee, but instead, here I am, minding my manners more than I ever did as a human, terrified some self-righteous prick will try and stake me. I hate--
[She cuts herself off.]
I despise it.
no subject
[ he nods slightly, at her admittance. ]
You are sturdier than you could have thought, like this, but there are still dangers. It will be all the more difficult to end you though, as long as you stay fed. It's...
[ a frown. ]
A delicate balance to learn. You'll be able to come into yourself again once you're more settled and know your limits.
no subject
Speaking of which . . . I'd, ah, I'd like to practice with you more. I'm still nervous to try sleeping with anyone beyond a vampire or a werewolf, lest I harm them.
no subject
[ but she knows that already, with his behavior in the fort. it's just... on a smaller scale, when it's just the one thing.
he's no good at comfort, so it's a good thing she's not against what he's said. ]
I'm not opposed. [ he looks at her, head canting aside. ] Over time you'll learn to control your strength better as well, and it will be less of a worry. Until then, practice makes perfect.
[ a beat. ]
Are there werewolves here? They're extinct, where I'm from.
[ the captain had been the last, and seras had killed him. ]
no subject
I haven't seen him transformed. He's large as a man; I can't imagine how enormous he'll be as a wolf.
[She says all this just a little too quickly, a tense sort of report. It's easier to talk about Derek than about his loss, about her fear.]